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AotS invades Alabamy
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Author:  Drex [ Thu Mar 07, 2013 9:20 am ]
Post subject:  AotS invades Alabamy

It was close to noon, when the pickets of General Pinkham's army observed two riders clothed in blue approaching.
“I don't feel like fightin' tiday,Seth. Jus shoot close enough to scare 'em away. Seth raised his musket and fired a shot in the direction of the riders who were fairly close now. Immediately the riders reined in their horses and the two CSA pickets could see one of them waving a white flag vigorously.
“Looks like they want to surrender, Seth. You must have come pretty close. Let 'em come up”
Seth waved them up and soon the two riders were facing the pickets.
“Thanks for missing, soldier, we have come to see General Pinkham on some vital business.
I am General Ringbloom of the Army of the Shenandoah and this here is my Chief of Staff, Major General Olinsky. Could you direct us to his headquarters?”
“Well now General, sir, I don't rightly know where his headquarters is, but I can take you to his tent.”
“ That will do just fine, soldier. If you please.”
“Its Sargeant Hovey, General, if you don't mind. And just follow Seth here and he will take to the General.
Soon they were in front of a white tent with guards at the entrance. Seth whispered to one of the guards who then motioned him in. Seth went in and found General Pinkham at his campaign desk.
“Private, what in tarnation are you bothering me about? I'm having my mid-morning read and don't like to be disturbed. What is it?”
“Sir, there are two blue-belly Generals outside to see you. They say its vital business.”
“They do, do they? We'll see about that. It better be good, I'm right in the middle of a good chapter. Let them in!”
The two generals entered the tent and approached General Pinkham at his desk. General Ringbloom immediately spied the book, now closed, on the table,”How to fight a war for Dummies”.
“General Pinkham, thank you for receiving us. We will be brief and to the point. I am General Ringbloom of the Army of the Shenandoah and this is Major General Olinksy, my Chief of Staff. But first may I suggest some additional reading. I have Clauswitz' 'On War” and Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War” in my library at camp. I will be glad to lend them to you.”
“General, there is no need to lend them as I will probably take them from you. Now what is your business that is so vital?"
“General Pinkham, we have come to demand the cessation of vile, venial and vicious insults,insinuations and inuendos your men have been spreading about our Army in this Theater of War. We have had enough and demand satisfaction. Please apologize and promise never to bad-mouth us again.”
“General Ringbloom, I know the truth sometimes hurts but I'm not apologizing to anyone. And I don't want any of your stupid foreign books! You come into my camp uninvited, into my tent and insult me with your demand! Now leave!”
“We'll leave alright, Genral Pinkham, but we'll be back to Alabama, to stay. Before we leave, the formalities. General Olinsky, the gloves, please.”
General Olinsky opens his briefcase and deftly removes a pair of discolored kid gloves and hands them to General Ringbloom.
“No,no, not these Gregor. They got soiled from General Stiles beard. I need another pair.”
Olinsky quickly produces another pair of dubious status.
“General Olinsky, these are even in worse shape! General Garner rode over these with his horse! You can do better. I know there is a clean white pair in your case somewhere.”
Sure enough, Olinsky pulls out of his hat, so to speak, a pair of spanking white kid gloves, suitable for bitch-slapping. General Ringbloom grabs the gloves, strides over to General Pinkham and with a quick,”slap,slap”, one for each of Pinkham's cheeks,he throws the gloves down on the bare earthen floor.
“Pick these up if you dare! And meet us on the field of battle for the Longstreet-Sheridan Cup!”
General Pinkham looks up at General Ringbloom with reddened cheeks and says:
“You go through a lot of gloves, don't you.”

Author:  dukemat [ Thu Mar 07, 2013 9:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

very good..........better than daily "Dilbert".

Author:  Blake [ Thu Mar 07, 2013 1:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

Remember the last time a Yankee organization tried to mess with Alabama?

I believe the final score was 42 - 14?

Roll Tide!

Author:  Sean Turner [ Thu Mar 07, 2013 7:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

To get *each* of Vern's cheeks, shouldn't it be "slap, slap...slap, slap"?? :oops:

Author:  Drex [ Thu Mar 07, 2013 7:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

You forget, Vern was sitting down. :wink:

Author:  cameronm [ Thu Mar 07, 2013 11:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

Gen Drex Vaders account is so full of errors it is at best a work of fiction. Let me if I may point out all the factual errors;

1. General Pinkham does not own a copy of "How to fight a war for Dummies", although he does own a copy of "How to start a war for Dummies" - a signed copy from Abe Lincoln
2. Bad mouthing the AotS is not bad manners, it is just standard practice
3. I have not known anyone to insult Gen Pinkham in his tent and get out alive
4. The only gloves Gen Olinsky owns are made of lace
5. Gen Stiles does not have a beard, although he does have one hell of a big mustache - so big in fact that he has not kissed his wife in 10 years
6. Gen Garner has not ridden a horse for many a year, he rides in a armored buggy adorned with Union scalps
7. And finally the most heinous error, Gen Pinkham is in fact over 7' 6" tall, so even sitting down you could not physically reach his cheeks to slap them and there is no mention of a step ladder in your account - got ya :shock:

Gen Cam McOmish
Georgia State Volunteers


Author:  Drex [ Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:38 am ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

Gentlemen: Please, I have to have some literary license here to get my point across, which General Pinkham has yet to answer. Perhaps he has heard that we are thrashing the AoG 5-1 in our winter Offensive.:)
But to address your "facts":
1. President Lincoln would never part with his "How to start a War for Dummies". He may give it to Gen. McClellan, though.
2.This standard practice is what these offensives are all about. Why do you think we call them that? They are offensive to our sensibilities.
3.While Gen. Pinkham was picking up the gloves, we were on our steeds and outta there.
4.We didn't use Gen. Olinsky's gloves.
5.I believe if you look at the photographs of the Generals of the Civil War, you will notice that almost to a man, they have a beard. Gen. Stiles evidently has let his mustache grow to such epic proportions as to preclude the need for a real beard.
6.Here I took most license in that it was not really Gen. Garner who rode the horse but Gen. Neal Hebert, which fact piques me deeply.

Author:  Vern Pinkham [ Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

Oderly! Get Major Disaster for me immediatley!
Yes Suh!

What is this - sitting here and reading my morning report and these upstarts ask permission to enter my tent and then begin with the INSULTS. I find this annoying and very UNGENTLEMENLY. Now I must call a staff meeting and interrupt my fine officers who are at this very minute busying themselves with the finer points of life. Like grooming and getting ready for the Spring Catillion.

War! What is it good for? (I didn't invent that). Now we must once again throw ourselves into harms way and vanquish this land of the hated invader. So be it.

Ah Major Disaster - please Suh - see that these two Union Officers are escorted outside and then KICKED SQUARELY in the britches. They have insulted your army and your commander.

I accept the challenge and I get to chose the weapons. I chose HPS ACW games - Battleline ACW games and any other sanctioned games. Now Major Disaster - please get the word out -- The Battle is ON!

Author:  Neal Hebert [ Fri Mar 08, 2013 9:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

General Ringbloom <salute>

Suh, my regards!

"Pique: to affect with sharp irritation and resentment, especially by some wound to pride."

I must be doing something right.

Author:  Drex [ Fri Mar 08, 2013 10:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

Gen. Hebert: Did they let you out of Modesto yet?

Author:  Neal Hebert [ Mon Mar 11, 2013 10:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

General Ringbloom <salute>

They don't have to "let" me out, as I arrived by my own choice. I moved out here 9 1/2 years ago to be with the woman I've been married to for the last 8 1/2 years. As CinC-House, she decides when anything is done :lol:

Author:  Drex [ Tue Mar 12, 2013 7:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: AotS invades Alabamy

Neal: What a coincidence. I met the woman of my choice in Chico 30 years ago and haven't left since. These California women are possessive! When I was active in construction, I built a new Raley's supermarket there but didn't get to see much of the town unfortunately. Good to have a ACWGC member out here. Most of them seem to be back East. - Drex

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