Barrett's Canons

Readers, take heed of this lesson on the principle of Unintended Consequences! I merely asked Barrett for a minor epic in verse, something along the lines of The Iliad, never expecting such a Magnum Opus (or should that be, Oh-Puss?)! The Editor

Bearskin Bearskin

The Barrettiad
The Cats in the Hats

by Colonel Baron Richard Barrett
Artillerie Auxiliaire de la Jeune Garde

Barrett's Barrel

The sun did not shine.
It was too wet to play.
So they sat in their homes
All that cold, cold wet day.

Muddy sat there with Eugene.
They sat there, them two.
And Muddy said to Eugene,
"Oh what shall we do?"

Too wet to go out.
Too cold to play ball.
So they sat there, them two,
And just stared at the wall.

All they could do was sit, sit, sit, sit.
And they did not like it,
Not one little bit.

And then something went
How that BUMP made them jump!

And what to their amazed beady eyes did appear,
But the Cat in the Hat, and he said,
"Have no fear!
I know it is wet, and the sun is not sunny,
But I know a good game, though your noses are runny."

"I know a good game we could play,"
Said the Cat.
"We shall wear funny hats!"
Said the Cat in the Hat.

"Muddy, your poor bicorne is all short and nasty
(And as an aside you could use rhinoplasty),
But Eugene has many all glitzy and nice,
And he will share them with you,
Yes even the lice."

Netherlands Grenadier Officer

"Some are short and some are dumpy,
Some are puff'd and some are lumpy.
Not one is like another.
Don't ask me why, go ask your mother.
But the point is, he has oodles!
Some shaped like pink poodles,
Some like neat noodles,
Even a few like dangerous doodles."

And the Cat in the Hat rummaged round in the box,
And he pulled out a pair of old gox box sox.
"This is not right,
This is no good,
To wear this on your head,
Like an executioner's hood."

So he rummaged some more
And dug deep in the box,
And found the red tail
Of a cuddly wee fox.
"This is not bad;
Yes, with this we'll have fun!
Put it on Muddy's bum,
And we'll pass 'round a gun."

But Muddy said, "No! No!
This is a bad kind of fun,
To make me all fluffy
And then shoot with a gun!"

So the Kitty dug deep
In Eugene's box of hats,
Sifting skinnies and tall-ies and shorties and fats.
He pulled out the greens, the blues and the reds,
And he tried one and all on the two gents' bald heads.

French Grenadier

But Muddy was grumpy
Many hats all a-trying,
And Eugene looked frumpy
Though the feathers were flying.
And they said "Cat, these hats just clearly won't do;
We look just like dunces!"
And their impatience it grew.

So the Cat dug in deeper.
Way down did he go,
To the bottom of Eugene's box
To retrieve what, who'd know?
Things way down deep
That for years none had seen.
They were covered with dust,
And deserved a good clean.
And the Cat said "Ah-ha!"
"This is just the thing. Yes!"
And he pulled out of the box...
Do you know?
Can you guess?

Why, two hats made of bearskin,
Each sporting a feather,
Which didn't at all mind
This nasty cold weather.

And the Cat said "Don't worry!"
"These hats will not bite you.
They are likely quite dead
And can no longer fight you."

"And though it is true
They seem furry and cruel,
So do you two; but at least
It seems they don't drool."

And he put the hats on them,
Eugene's head and Muddy's,
And they looked not at all
Like the usual Fuddy-Duddies.
They looked truly super
Like men of the town,
And glided about like Kings in a crown.

"Why this is so good!
This all seems so right!"
Said Muddy to Eugene with all of his might.
And he strutted the room,
Oh so glad and so happy
To have a real Eugene hat
On his head nice and snappy.

The Royal Welsh Fusiliers had nothing on Muddy,
And the Old Guard all wanted Eugene for their buddy.
So splendid they looked
In their hats tall and proud,
Standing out with great splendor
In all kinds of crowd.

The Cat in the Hat

But the Cat was so clever
Though no one else knew
The real reason they looked
Such a wonderful crew:

For that Cat in the Hat
Had great crafty wiles,
With lots of cat-sneaky
Haberdashery styles

So while Eugene and Muddy skipped off to play,
And to make the most of this hat-happy day,
The Cat in the Hat had the last laugh, it seems,
Knowing they looked just like him
In the best of their dreams!