As part of the massive ongoing project to upgrade and streamline the Imperial military command structure, the headquarters of the Archduke-Feldmarschall were moved nearly two years ago into new and capacious premises equipped with the latest communication devices. The new semaphore-telegraph network should be capable of flashing messages from garrisons in every corner of the Empire in a fraction of the time required by horse-mounted couriers. At the moment of gathering reports for these Army Dispatches, the system was still hindered by the insistence of each Operator (the Semaphore Operators Corps having been recruited to reflect the glorious diversity of the Empire) on transmitting only in his particular native language. The ensuing necessity to translate and re-translate the messages at each tower, into and from the Czech, Hungarian, German, Italian, Slovenian, Serbo-Croatian, and Polish languages, has caused some slight delays in transmission. The Hofkriegsrat committee formed to study the situation has delivered a preliminary report after only nineteen months of deliberations. A model of elegant bureaucratic documentation, this report should be held up as a model for all ministerial papers. Every argument on every pertinent topic was examined, not neglecting the folkloric and legendary implications of the concepts of "communication," "timeliness," "urgency," and "deadline" in each of the cultures comprised within the Empire. It was magisterially concluded that no conclusion could be reached. The committee has convened in Barcelona to conduct an in-depth study of the Spanish concept of mañana.
In the interim, it can be confidently reported that the Austrian Army continues to employ numbers of officers and men in the profession of arms, most of whom wear white uniforms; that said officers and men have carried the war to the enemy on every front, not infrequently adding laurels of victory to their Standards, except when invariably crushed by the ferocious Maréchal Jeff Bardon; that some of these officers have from time to time earned promotion and commendation; that everybody is having a splendid time; that all the soldiers love Kaiser Franz; and that there never has been, nor never will be any dissension or separatist movement among the minority populations of the Empire.
A great surge of recruitment followed the release of the Eckmühl game. Well-appointed barracks accomodated the ensuing flood of volunteers. Another tide of patriotism is expected to swell the ranks of the glorious if somewhat ponderous and uncommunicative K.K.Ö.A. upon the release of Wagram.
Ach, du lieber Augustin, Augustin, Augustin, Ach, du lieber Augustin, Alles ist hin!
1. Geld ist hin, Mädl ist hin, Alles ist hin, Augustin! Ach, du lieber Augustin, Alles ist hin!
2. Rock ist weg, Stock ist weg, Augustin liegt im Dreck. Ach, du lieber Augustin, Alles ist hin!
3. Und selbst das reiche Wien, Hin ist's wie Augustin; Weint mit mir im gleichen Sinn, Alles ist hin!
4. Jeder Tag war ein Fest, Jetzt haben wir die Pest! Nur ein großes Leichenfest, Das ist der Rest.
5. Augustin, Augustin, Leg'nur ins Grab dich hin! Ach, du lieber Augustin, Alles ist hin!
O, my dear friend Augustin, Augustin, Augustin, O, my dear friend Augustin, I just can't win!
1. Money's gone, girlfriend's gone, I just can't win, Augustin! O, my dear friend Augustin, I just can't win!
2. Coat is gone, staff is gone, Augustin's on his bum. O, my dear friend Augustin, I just can't win!
3. Even that rich town Wien, Broke is like Augustin; Shed tears with thoughts akin, I just can't win!
4. Every day was a fest, Now we just have the pest! Now all the corpses rest, That is the rest.
5. Augustin, Augustin, Lay down in your coffin! O, my dear friend Augustin, I just can't win!
This song originated in Vienna during the Plague period of 1768-1769. Legend has it that one evening, Augustin hoisted one too many and decided on a nap half way home. The morning corpse patrol threw his body on the cart with the other corpses and took him away. Fortunately Augustin awoke in the nick of time, to the horror of the mortician. In no time at all, the rumor spread far and wide that wine was not only a cure but also a great prophylactic for the plague.
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