There is a plethora of medals around, from simple little things like the Médaille Militaire to more impressive sounding gems such as Croix de la Valeur Militaire. All these glittery things are awarded for victories and gallantry and administration et al. But what about players like me? What medals can I hope to get?
None, I tell you! And that has to change. Therefore, I will make a short list of medals I’d like to see available for French officers.
Awarded for recklessly losing a large number of troops due to poor reconaissance. This medal should only be awarded if the nominee lost at least 80% of the initial number of at least one division. (I surprisingly nominate myself for this medal after my stunning performance against Konstantin Koryakov at the battle of Linz, losing 15 out of 18 battalions in less than ten turns.)
Awarded for futile rear guard actions using totally inappropriate troop types (like cavalry squadrons against formed infantry). The nominee shall only be considered if he loses more troops than his opponent and also of a more expensive type. (It will come as a shock to you, but I nominate myself for this medal after my brilliant effort to buy time with enormous amounts of cavalry against Jim Hall in Aspern-Essling, losing 4000 cavalry and “winning” two, maybe three turns.)
Awarded for losing astonishing amounts of artillery within a very short time frame. The nominee shall lose no less than 100 guns in no more than ten turns. (You’ll all be flabbergasted by this, but I actually nominate myself for this medal for losing more than 200 guns in less than ten turns against Tom Simmons in Wagram. I nominate myself for a cluster for losing 100 guns in ten turns against Drew Stone in Abensberg II.)
Awarded for mindlessly trying to follow an obviously flawed plan and at the same time losing inordinate amounts of troops. The nominee has to attack the same superior enemy forces for no less than five turns on no less than three different occasions at the same place during the same battle. (Astonishingly enough, I nominate myself for this medal for trying to attack a gun line of 15 batteries (supported by cavalry and infantry) placed on a ridge, having to cross open terrain and a stream, with infantry only, against Tom Simmons in Cham.)
Awarded for consistently losing battles no matter the odds and no matter who is on the other side. The nominee has to lose at least one battle against officers of at least three Coalition Armies and at least one maneuver against a fellow French officer. (Actually you might’ve guessed it, I nominate myself for losing against Jim Hall (British) and Dierk Walter (Prussian) in Wagram Village and Konstantin Koryakov (Russian) at Linz and Tom Simmons (French) at Wagram.)
See, with medals like these, I too could have a chest covered with the pretty, shiny things!
And, with a bit of help, I’m quite confident we could come up with a few more new medals!
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