medal medal

Medals I’d Like To See

By Capitaine Nicklas Fredriksson
"Noblesse oblige, Chamborant autant!"
2ème Régiment d'Hussards, dit Régiment Chamborant
1ère Brigade, 2ème Division de Cavalerie Légère
II Corps d'Armée, Armée du Nord

Illustrations and Captions by Bill Peterson

There is a plethora of medals around, from simple little things like the Médaille Militaire to more impressive sounding gems such as Croix de la Valeur Militaire. All these glittery things are awarded for victories and gallantry and administration et al. But what about players like me? What medals can I hope to get?

None, I tell you! And that has to change. Therefore, I will make a short list of medals I’d like to see available for French officers.

Médaille de Dennewitz
Médaille de Dennewitz:

Awarded for recklessly losing a large number of troops due to poor reconaissance. This medal should only be awarded if the nominee lost at least 80% of the initial number of at least one division. (I surprisingly nominate myself for this medal after my stunning performance against Konstantin Koryakov at the battle of Linz, losing 15 out of 18 battalions in less than ten turns.)

Design: The Angel of Death soars over Europe, carrying a sword with which to slaughter the awardee's troops, and a bundle of damp straw with which to flagellate their careless commander.

Médaille de la Moskowa
Médaille de la Moskowa:

Awarded for futile rear guard actions using totally inappropriate troop types (like cavalry squadrons against formed infantry). The nominee shall only be considered if he loses more troops than his opponent and also of a more expensive type. (It will come as a shock to you, but I nominate myself for this medal after my brilliant effort to buy time with enormous amounts of cavalry against Jim Hall in Aspern-Essling, losing 4000 cavalry and “winning” two, maybe three turns.)

Design: A Mameluk of the Guard and a cavalry officer in a bicorne flee headlong from the battlefield, looking back grimly at the debris of their wasted squadrons and plotting the "accidental" death they will soon inflict on their dim-witted commander.

Médaille de la Grande Batterie
Médaille de la Grande Batterie:

Awarded for losing astonishing amounts of artillery within a very short time frame. The nominee shall lose no less than 100 guns in no more than ten turns. (You’ll all be flabbergasted by this, but I actually nominate myself for this medal for losing more than 200 guns in less than ten turns against Tom Simmons in Wagram. I nominate myself for a cluster for losing 100 guns in ten turns against Drew Stone in Abensberg II.)

Design: A crudely-drawn cannon and an assortment of wrong-size cannon-balls represent the mismanagement of the artillery; a bundle of captured standards represents mass defeat; behind the luxurious tents of the victorious enemy looms the enormous pyramid of the awardee's guilt.

Médaille de Pyrrhus
Médaille de Pyrrhus:

Awarded for mindlessly trying to follow an obviously flawed plan and at the same time losing inordinate amounts of troops. The nominee has to attack the same superior enemy forces for no less than five turns on no less than three different occasions at the same place during the same battle. (Astonishingly enough, I nominate myself for this medal for trying to attack a gun line of 15 batteries (supported by cavalry and infantry) placed on a ridge, having to cross open terrain and a stream, with infantry only, against Tom Simmons in Cham.)

Design: The classic Greek figure of Pyrrhus epitomizes poor planning and idiotic persistence, by insisting on wading into a pit of poisonous snakes while nude, armed only with a rolled-up newspaper.

Médaille de la Paix
Médaille de la Paix:

Awarded for consistently losing battles no matter the odds and no matter who is on the other side. The nominee has to lose at least one battle against officers of at least three Coalition Armies and at least one maneuver against a fellow French officer. (Actually you might’ve guessed it, I nominate myself for losing against Jim Hall (British) and Dierk Walter (Prussian) in Wagram Village and Konstantin Koryakov (Russian) at Linz and Tom Simmons (French) at Wagram.)

Design: The Spirit of France, represented by a woman, weeps with shame at the thought of sharing the same nationality as the awardee. A shield bearing a double-headed eagle and a set of armor neatly hung show who rules the roost in France henceforth.

See, with medals like these, I too could have a chest covered with the pretty, shiny things!

And, with a bit of help, I’m quite confident we could come up with a few more new medals!

Happy Gaming!

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