TOP SECRET CSA EYES ONLY
Gentlemen and Officers of the Confederacy <salute>Given that we are now in the Christmas celebration zone I think that it is time to turn our thoughts to the safety, both physical and moral, of the men under our respective commands. The Safety Division of the CSA Army Personnel Department has furnished me with a disturbing report about the goings on during the last Christmas period. Fortunately my predecessor suppressed the report due to the strategic implications, but these things must see the light of day and be dealt with.
For those of you who wish to read the 2000 page report I will forward it on by request, however I shall summarise the key findings by Theater;
Western
• Three public buildings were burned down in Vicksburg and two in Bowling Green
• 1354 men ,three mules and a gator were arrested for public intoxication
• 38 men arrested for the inappropriate use of a firearm
• 27 men and a camel were involved in a riot at Mrs Miggin’s pie shop and bordello
• An AotM senior officer party got well out of hand and several ladies had their ankles measured?
• 428 men reported to the surgeon with a funny rash
Eastern
• 1353 men and four horses were arrested for public intoxication
• 124 men were arrested following a riot at a Richmond ice hockey game
• 16 men ,14 junior officers and a senior officer were hurt when a shad bake got out of hand
• 2 Artillery batteries went missing and were found out west
• 115 men reported to the surgeon with a not so funny rash
• Not substantiated, but it was rumoured that an entire corps of the AoG were drunk for 24 hours
Well gentlemen by my calculation we had nearly two full divisions out of action, this can not be permitted to happen this year least those naughty persons from up in the cold north come south over the Christmas period. Our secret agent – code name “Drex Vader” has informed us that it is a strong possibly.
I would request that all officers look to me as their moral compass to help them set the standard required. My chaste and teetotal lifestyle will be a beacon to officers and men alike.
So gentlemen take firm control of your commands and set the standards I expect
Make Christmas a safe one.