Gen. Miller/Lt. Campbell,
Many thanks for your hospitality (long sip of a fresh ice cold beer)….ahh! Oh, yes, Gen. Miller you are correct. Some Southern sympathizer must of added something to my drink trying to keep me off the field and leading my forces to victory. Clearly there can't be a thousand Rebs left is that scant ragtag army. Ever since the siege of Vicksburg, your boys have been deserting or trying to swim across the Mississippi. I'm sure there is only a couple hundred of your boys left in that town and those few boys wouldn't put up much of a fight.
Just to keep things even, I've instructed by officers to count to "10 Mississippi" when chasing your lads to give them a fighting chance to run away. During the night we put out some hardtack on a log and watch your hungry boys try to sneak out and grab it. For fun, we shoot a warning shot when they get close enough but let them have it in the end.
It's a shame your remaining boys don't lay down their arms and come eat with us. We have plenty of food and clean Blue uniforms for them to wear.

Some of your boys are getting so thin that there are campfire stories over here talking about how the city is haunted and that they've seen walking skeletons in the city.
I'm sure it won't be long before Gen. Cam McOmish gives the orders and surrenders the city to Gen. Joseph Meyer. I'm sure this great victory will bring some recognition to General Grant's brilliant campaign and hopefully his promotion in the Union ranks. It's been about time that we get a fighting general in charge and "Old Brain's" Halleck and Gen. McClellan are put to desk duties.
