<i>"DETAAAAAAIL, HALT! DISSSMOUNT!"</i>
<i>"Sergeant Haggerty, keep that Flag-of-Truce guidon visible, and don't let the escort detail stray too far. I'll have Captain Jessup bring the boys out a few bottles of beer, if our Southern friends mind their manners. Captain Jessup, come with me!"</i>
GREETINGS, BOYS! I just rode over to pay a courtesy call and take a look around...<i>("Damn, it's dark and musty in here! Captain Jessup, go ahead and kick out some of the sideboards if you will, and wake up those two slumbering over there at that corner table.")</i>...and I brought something with me that you might find useful! Now take it easy, we're not here to harm anyone.
The thing is that while we've got our fair share of respect for this here Rebel army that we're starting to hear a lot of bragging concerning an upcoming tournament in the Western Theater! Now we've always...<i>("What's that, Captain? You say that's McOmish and Hooper over there in the corner?!! Dead drunk are they? Alright, just let 'em sleep it off.")</i>...as I was saying, we've always figured that about half of what you fellas say is true. It's the other half of your pronunciations that we have a problem with.
No, no! I ain't seen no nuns eat'in any rations! I said, PRO-NUN-CI-A-TIONS! That's a big word that means, in this case, telling fibs! <i>("Captain Jessup, watch that young lieutenant at the bar!")</i> Now come on, boys, I know you're probably upset at my walking around in here, kicking up dust from your dirt floor and letting in a lot of obnoxious fresh air, but you've got to hold on for a minute while I show you what I've got.
First, though, I'm going to have Captain Jessup get some bottled beer from the bar there and take it out to my escort detail. We've rode hard and we're kinda thirsty ourselves...and we didn't do no shoot'in on the way in. What <i>you</i> should do now, if you know your manners is to offer that beer free of charge!
Well, I can see some of you are shaking your heads, "Yes," and some of you shaking your heads, "No." Kinda like a bunch of bewieldered, bobble-headed dolls. HOLD IT, HOLD IT! I DIDN'T MEAN NOTHING BY THAT! PUT THAT PISTOL BACK IN YOUR HOLSTER! JUST WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, START A WAR?! That's better, that's better...let's all just simmer down for a minute and take a look at what I brought you.
Now I'm going to reach in my coat's breast pocket here and show you what I've brought. There, there it is...it's a little <u>Book of Manners</u>!
HERE, HERE...DON'T YA ALL BE CROWDING AROUND LIKE THAT! I'LL LET EVERYONE TAKE A LOOK AT IT IN GOOD TIME! NOW MOVE BACK A BIT!
OK! That's better! Now I'm going to hold it up so you can all see it and open it up to the title page. Now that big, black word there in the middle says, "Manners"...What's that? Yes, there are other words on the other pages...No, there're not in different colors and there ain't no pictures! Look, boys, in order to understand what the rest of these words all say you got to be able to read, you got to be educated! What? NO, I AIN'T SEEN ED, KATE OR TED! NO, now let go of the...
LOOK WHAT YA DONE NOW! You torn the book in two and...stop ripping those pages out! OK, OK! Look, maybe you can get someone from VMI to take a look at everything and explain it all to you. But Captain Jessup and I, here, we've got to be leaving now...SAY, ISN'T THAT MISS CLARISSA FROM THE AOG OVER THERE BY THE BAR? She ain't changed much since the last time I saw her...same toothless grin behind that rotten old corncob pipe and hair sticking straight up out of that hole in her hat. Lord, a'mighty,...if they ever put her into the ranks we'd all die out of sheer fright!
Boys, I'm leaving ya with a little something that the Cavalry Divisions from the good, old Army of the Tennessee wanted you to have.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVnq-vNKDps
("Captain Jessup, watch you step on the way out of here. There's been reports of gators in these places.")
"MOUNT 'EM UP, HAGGERTY! LET'S HEAD BACK HOME! COLUMN OF TWO's, FORRRRWARD, HO,OOOOH!"
General Jos. C. Meyer
Commander, Army of the Tennessee
Union Army Chief of Staff
