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Gentlemen Officers of These Wretched Wars:
It is my great honor to announce to you the appointment of Brigadier General Jose A. ‘Trane’ Barredo to the exalted position of Chief of Staff of the Coalition’s Anglo-German-Portuguese (AGP) Contingent. It was discovered that the good Brigadier was getting entirely too much sleep at night and was not under sufficient stress on a daily basis. For these reasons, along with the fact that we considered him to be a damn, fine officer, I thought it prudent to promote him to a higher level of responsibility within our magnificent army. His new duties will include standing in for all bar fights initiated by his commanding officers, carrying FM ‘Lucky’ Jim Hall back to his headquarters when he has indulged a bit too much, and generally taking all of the blame for anything FM Hall does not choose to own up to. I am certain that Brigadier Barredo will enthusiastically embrace his new duties in the finest tradition of the Anglo-Allied command. I have great faith in his abilities, and wish him abundant success. A toast to you, good sir!
And now I must turn to a matter of housekeeping. I was recently informed by the Coalition’s Chief Domestic Officer, Carissa, that the massive number of captured French Eagles, batons, swords, muskets, and armor now occupy such an enormous space in the army’s headquarters chateau that it has become necessary to distribute some of our prized medals to make additional room. In an effort to keep the peace with the staff, I agreed to endeavor to locate some officers to whom theses medals could be officially awarded. I found two.
It is my great honor to award the Waterloo Medal to General-Leytenant Bill Cann for his marvelous victory on the fields of Belgium. We discovered his vanquished opponent locked in a closet in our headquarters. We subsequently released him to return to his army and spread the word as to the consequences of seditious defiance of legitimate rule. Hopefully he has learned his lesson.
It is my even greater honor as the Commander of the Coalition Army, to award General Prince Vladimir Repnin and General-Leytenant Bill Cann the Army Gold Medal for their exemplary performance and leadership in revitalizing and reinvigorating the Russian Contingent of the Coalition Army. Their efforts of cooperative teamwork and active leadership have resulted in an unprecedented 100% muster of their officers in each of the last two Coalition musters. This is a truly astounding achievement, and directly relates to the exemplary work and conduct of these two, fine men. Congratulations gentlemen! I am indebted to the both of you.
And finally, no Coalition award ceremony would be complete without the heaping of yet more victory medals upon the Prussian officer that strikes mortal fear into the heart of every Frenchman that overhears the whisper of his name. I am referring, of course, to General der Infanterie Michael Fredel. It is my great honor to present him with the Pour le Merite with Oak Leaves, the Eisernes Kreusz 1. Klasse, and the Johanniter Ordern 2. Klasse in recognition of his many, and continued victories, over the forces of French sedition and rebellion.
Please raise a glass with me to honor these splendid, gentlemen officers.
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