Napoleonic Wargame Club (NWC)

Bill Peters had posted a discussion about the merits of our Brigade, Division, and Corps leaders actively participating in MP games with the men under their command. This prompted one of my Hanoverian officers to suggest that perhaps I should post the banter exchanged between our two sides in our ongoing Hanoverian Brigade Challenge match against the officers of the French V Corps to give the membership a taste of the fun that can be had, and the bonds that can be formed, when playing together as a team.

As a brief bit of background, my Hanoverian Brigade has been engaged in a battle with elements of the French V Corps for a while now. Our contest is known by the name, The Hanoverian Brigade Challenge. The purpose of the challenge was to have a senior, experienced commander lead three junior officers into battle on each side of the field. The idea was that the senior officers mentor their men in the finer points of a campaign style approach to battle and help them hone their tactical skills once the battle was truly joined. Each senior commander would be allowed to move specifically designated units, but was forbidden from simply taking over all units in the battle and running them himself. Such an action would defeat the purpose of the exercise to train and instruct. Although competitive, the real success in this battle is how much your junior officers learn and the degree to which you can strengthen the bond of comaraderie within each brigade. Our battle is proceeding marvelously, albeit slightly slow as it takes more time to coordinate eight players as opposed to only two. With respect to the fine idea of my officer, I am going to post the banter that has been exchanged between our two brigades during the course of our battle. I hope this will give our membership some idea of the fun that can be had in a MP game. I further hope that it will also give the leaders in our armies a brief glimpse in the fun that can be had by actively participating in a game with the men under their command. Bear in mind that these verbal exchanges are all taken in the spirit of fun. My men really do love them. Enjoy!

I should also probably mention that I will lock this topic to maintain the integrity of the exchanges. Inserted posts would spoil the flow.

The banter begins on Turn 2 (and yes, as some of you probably suspected, I was the instigator):

General Cox:

Our troops continue their march to counter your aggressive movements.
Already I am hearing grumbling among the men as your invasion has
caused many of them to miss their breakfast. As a result, they
may well be in a particularly foul mood when your soldiers are
finally located and battle is joined.

Lt. Colonel Jones
Hanoverian Brigade

I am going to quickly flip through the early bantor while our armies were searching for each other. This will get much more entertaining (I promise) once our armies actually started to engage. It took a little time for me to coerce the French dander to rise.


Allied Turn 4

General Cox:

Back to you. I am fairly certain that we have you surrounded now,
but since we still have not seen any of your men, we cannot be 100% sure.


Lt. Colonel Jones
Hanoverian Brigade


French Turn 5

Msrs,

The sweat of your horses and the stench of your rosbif gives you away.
Come on up to the crest and we'll sweep you away.

V Corps


Allied Turn 5

General Cox:

I cannot imagine how you can detect the "sweat" of our horses and
the "stench" of our rations when the perfume emanating from your
army's mounts and men is simply so overwhelming. Tell me sir, is it
true that every French encampment is built around a hoisting
mechanism used to lift your horses with pulleys and slings so that
they may be regularly dipped in a large, vat of pungent perfume? I
have heard tales that the absence of such a device in a French Army
encampment is considered intolerable and has a profound negative
impact on the morale of your men.

As is the habit of our army, we patiently, and safely, await your
arrival on the reverse slope of the hill. You will well know it
when you stumble upon us. The devastating volley that decimates
your men, causing the pitifully few survivors to flee in abject
terror, gives us away every time.

Lt. Colonel Jones
Hanoverian Brigade
Anglo-Allied Army


French Turn 6

Lt. Col. Jones, et al,

If your women prefer us perfumed, who are we to object?

V Corps


Allied Turn 6

General Cox:

I see. I will be sure to inform my men that your current "War of
Aggression" on the peaceful, Belgian people is intended to steal the
affections of all of their wives and girlfriends. I do fear that they
may not grant your soldiers any great mercies under those
circumstances. I am certain, that after careful consideration, you
will come to the inevitable conclusion that the immediate withdrawal
of your Corps back across the Belgian border is the only prudent action to protect the lives of your men.

Please lay your arms by the side of the road, or in the fields, as you
withdraw. We will pick them up in the course of our inexorable advance.

Lt Colonel Jones
Hanoverian Brigade
Anglo-Allied Army


French Turn 7

The forester on my German estate has an expression : Die Sauen sind, wo die Sauen sind.

(Note: This literally translates as "The pigs are, where the pigs are." I took that to mean "It is what it is." - Mark)

In the meantime, the chargers become restless...

Cox


And then, Bill Reaves took command. It gets really good after this, Heeheehee, but you are going to have to wait a bit. I would not want you to strain your eyes on my account.

Allied Turn 7

My Dear General Cox:

We did not spot any of your men last turn but we can smell your perfume
wafting over the hills. Please straighten your lacy undergarments and
march forth. My men are somewhat eager to procure your wagons loaded with fine,
wine and delectable French pastries.

The Hanoverians (Otherwise known as the dowdy, Germanic Mercenaries of our
rich, British Masters)


Oh sure, it all started cordially enough with Capitaine Reaves after he assumed command when General Cox was determined to be MIA:

Guys,

My recommendation is that we begin the French turn again. I have attached the last turn as received from the Allies. Time now for the appropriate French commander to make his move and send it on to the rest of the French team.

Our apologies to the Allied team.

Cordialment,
Capt. Reaves


French Turn 8

To the Allies:

We have completed attached our turn.

Capt. Reaves


Allied Turn 8

Dear Frenchies:

Peek-a-boo, we see you! Now is when this really starts to get interesting. Best of luck, gentlemen.

Lt. Colonel Jones


And for some unexplained reason, it all started to turn.........


French Turn 9

To the Allies,

And best of luck to you also. You will need it. Those bright red coats make excellent targets.

Belligerently yours,

Les Bleus


Allied Turn 9

Dear Frenchies:

Shoot if you must, this old grey head, but bear in mind that we are Hanoverians……..we will shoot back!

Cordially Hostile,
Der Hanoverians


And then, it started to turn even less cordial as we moved to engage.......


French Turn 10

Dearest Enemies,

We prefer the bayonet, up close and personal.

All the Best,
The French Empire


Allied Turn 10

Dear Frenchies:

Dang! I felt sure our clever ploy would pass your defenses undetected and that we were certain to become privy to all of your deepest, darkest secrets, like what color of nail polish it is proper to wear with your fuchsia, dress uniforms.

Lt. Colonel Jones


Then is started getting really personal, in a good gamey sort of way, and a lot more fun!


French Turn 11

To the Fashion Critics of the Allied Armies:

Silly boys. Fuchsia is for Thursdays only, Mauve on Fridays, Magenta on Saturdays, etc., etc. And of course our nails will match; we are not Barbarians.

Capt. Reaves


Allied Turn 11

To the Colorful Officers of France:

Only you fashion conscious Frenchmen can tell the difference in those colors. I will concede that Mauve is recognizable, but the difference between Fuchsia and Magenta is very subtle. I will wager that there has not been a Hanoverian born that can tell the difference between these two colors. And which color of nail polish is complementary, we have not a clue. I suppose in this regard, we truly are barbarians.

By the way, don’t forget to look up from your primping every so often. We would hate for you to miss the splendid charges of our cavalry and deadly order that is evident in our infantry formations. We have, however, noted that your infantry commanders seem to have abandoned your cavalry to their fate.

Respectfully,
Lt. Colonel Jones


French Turn 12

Color-Blind Barbarians:

Our cavalry is always happy to die for the Emperor. However in this case the survivors will run away and seek medical attention.

Our infantry is eager to wash their bayonets in the blood of the Hanoverians, once we find them.

Cordialment,

The Forces of Enlightenment


Allied Turn 12

Pampered French Pansies:

I must say that we are quite pleased to hear that your cavalry is actually happy to die for their Emperor. That makes our pleasure in killing them a win-win for everyone. Please do retire and seek medical attention for those few who have thus far managed to escape a fatal blow. While your horsemen are lounging about in the rear, it might also be an opportune time for them to change their diapers which have been so badly soiled upon their first brush with our gallant, red clad horsemen.

Please do bring your infantry forward with all of the élan they can muster. It is doubtful that many will ever survive the murderous volleys of our highly trained, two rank lines long enough to successfully close to melee, but we are certainly willing to allow you to make the attempt.

With Cordial Hostility,
The Forces of Order and Reason


Still more banter to come....

And here it is!

French Turn 13

Bootlicking Lackeys of the English:

At last we see the pock-marked faces and toothless grins of the Hanoverian Infantry, with their tattered hand-me-down red coats and their second-hand English muskets. Since you seem to be the experts on soiled panties, do try some English boiled beef and gin for that extra blast of power. We hear it's a favorite of the Elector himself!

Yours at the point of a bayonet,
The Defenders of the Republic


Allied Turn 13

Foolish Defenders of Despotic Rule:

Our English allies have promised to establish a comprehensive dental plan for all of our men using your captured Empyreal coffers to provide its funding. We have also taken measures to ensure the upgrade of our uniforms. Even now, our mighty army is followed closely by a large group of seamstresses and tailors. Their task is to collect the coats from the broken bodies of your men, repair the numerous bullet holes, bleach them white and then dye them again in a proper shade of Hanoverian red. As to your muskets, well we truly have no use for the wretched things. Our German arms are infinitely superior and, unlike your crude firearms, serve a more useful purpose than simply providing an extension for our razor sharp bayonets.

I must admit surprise at the temerity of your infantry, advancing as they are to a most grisly fate. It would have been much wiser of them to have turned tail and run, fleeing back the bakeries and wine cellars from which they were spawned. The thrall in which they are held by your despotic Corsican is revolting. You should fully realize that in his mind, your men are nothing more than chattel, meaningless and expendable for the greater good of his personal glory. I assure you, no tears will be shed by your Emperor upon your deaths. He could honestly care less other than for the inconvenience it causes him to have to secure your replacements.

Soon enough you will enter into the range of our muskets, falling in droves like wheat before a thresher. You will begin to understand the folly of challenging such brave Hanoverians, but your lucidity will be short lived as your men will perish as rapidly as the realization overtakes them. In time, it will no doubt be a Hanoverian bullet that claims the life of the Scaramouch you so blindly follow. In the meantime, it will be your poor soldiers who must pay the ultimate price.

Defiantly Yours,
The Officers of Hanover


French Turn 14

Delusional Hanoverians:

New uniforms? Then it is your great good fortune that we are here to give you some fashion advice. Most importantly, do not forget to add the bright yellow stripe running down the backs of your jackets so we may identify your fleeing rabble. It is so much easier than trying to follow those dribbles of urine that your boys and old men deposit when flying from the field in their usual terrified panic. And do not worry about the color of your jackets; as our muskets and bayonets will make sure your uniforms are stained the proper shade of red. As all the world knows, the fashion sense of the Hanoverian race is exceeded only by their contempt for personal hygiene. You may be less than reassured to know that our mascot, L'il Nostradamus, has predicted that your erstwhile allies will bomb the crap out of you in 1943. So you should stop your pathetic efforts at procreation, since only Doom awaits.

Our beloved Emperor has utmost respect and devotion for the souls of his Children, if not so much for their bodies. Actually, the bakery and wine cellar thing sounds pretty good except that your rude Hanoverians insist on interrupting by firing their rusty muskets into the air as a signal of their ultimate impotence. Meanwhile, our noble infantry has reported first contact with something resembling a mob of beggars and, as soon as we quit laughing, we shall kill them.

We look forward to your next amusing move, should you still be alive.

Leading the Advance of Civilization with the Upraised Sword of Righteous Vengeance,
Les Bleus


Allied Turn 14

Poor Hapless, Gullible Frenchmen:

We shall soon enough see whose men become a fleeing rabble.

The Corsican Pissant has respect and devotion for your souls? What kind of pseudo-religious crap is that? You have to be the most gullible men to have ever walked this planet. Apparently your village idiots, which I understand are very prolific in France, are far smarter than your soldiers. Even they would not buy that pious drivel your idiot Emperor is espousing.

Please do gather your courage, if you can, and step a bit closer to our poor, Hanoverian “beggars”. Our first volley is sure to end your laughter, along with many of your miserable lives.

Loading While You Laugh,
Die Roten


French Turn 15

English Puppets:

It must be most distressing to see your enfeebled monarch unable to decide whether he is English or German, each being more reprehensible than the other. But don't worry, we chivalrous Frenchmen will see that Hanover takes it's deserved place in history; that is, the dustbin.

One can only admire the child-like trust of your infantry and strategically-challenged officers, reminiscent of sheep advancing to their assured slaughter.

We are happy to help the Hanoverian Widows and Orphans Fund continue it's spectacular growth.

Your Most Cordial Enemy


Allied Turn 15

Blind Servants of the Corsican Imp:

Our viceroy, Prince Adolphus, is decidedly German and far from enfeebled. We serve the King of England through the noble relations of bloodlines, and for the fact that the English never abandoned us on the steppes of Russia. It will no doubt prove a great shame to you when our brave men sweep you from this field. There shall be no dustbin for the Kingdom of Hanover this day.

Oh, my, it would appear that quite a number of your heavy horsemen have landed themselves in a bit of a sticky wicket. I do so hope they come to their senses quite soon and surrender. If not, the carnage on that part of the field could soon become overwhelming.

As for our infantry, they are more than a match for your pitiful rabble of bakers and street urchins. They shall soon put your men to flight, running them through with the point of the bayonet, and showing no mercy at your great suffering.

While it is true that we have sustained some losses, more Frenchmen have fallen this day than those lost of our own men. It would seem more likely that our men will soon be satisfying your bereaved women when our conflict is concluded.

The Future Rulers of Your Country,
Der Notstandsarbeiten


Don't you think locked posts are boring? I do. I much prefer the interactive participation of creative gentlemen. There are still more of these thoughtful exchanges to be posted, but I am going to open this up to anyone who wants to participate. My compliments to Capitaine Reaves for his excellent verbal talents, even though he is totally misguided in his affections in regards to one diminutive tyrant.

_________________
Ernie Sands
1ère Brigade of 2ème Division de Grosse Cavalerie, Réserve de Cavalerie
de la Grande Armée
President, Colonial Campaigns Club

Hoping to get something like that going with my cavalry brigade I am in. No answer so far ... I know that Ken Miller is super busy (we are in one ACWGC MP game together already ...) but never got an answer from my brigade leader on the idea.

_________________


Generalfeldmarschall Wilhelm Prinz Peters von Dennewitz

3. Husaren-Regiment, Reserve-Kavallerie, Preußischen Armee-Korps

Honarary CO of Garde-Ulanen Regiment, Garde-Grenadier Kavallerie

NWC Founding Member

For Club Games: I prefer the Single Phase mode of play. I prefer to play with the following options OFF:

MDF, VP4LC, NRO, MTD, CMR, PR, MIM, NDM, OMR (ver 4.07)

Oh, but gentlemen, there is more..............

French Turn 16

Defenders of the Inbred Houses of Europe:

Your viceroy must have done something very wrong to be put in charge of a pestilential backwater like Hanover. After this victory, we will ban the speaking of German. In fact, we will ban Germans.

Our cavalry has merely shown the courage and valor that one would expect from a morally superior culture.

En Avant!
Your Future Masters


Allied Turn 16

Butcherous Brigands of France:

Long have you subsisted on the lands of others. Stealing, robbing, raping and pilfering the local populace. You have allowed the French Reign of Terror that started in 1793 to spill over your borders and infect the rest of the world. Only now, you have gone too far, vastly overstepping the bounds of your abilities by unleashing an attack on the Hanoverian people. In this endeavor, you will utterly fail. We are firmly resolved to end your depredations on this very field today. Soon enough, you will enjoy fond memories of your long retreat from Moskow in 1812, as those miseries will pale in comparison to what my Hanoverian brothers will unleash upon you today.

Even now, your Emperor hides in his palace, trembling in fear at the certain knowledge that his empire, and person, will be destroyed. His deepest fears are indeed justified; the Hanoverians are coming.

The Restorers of Justice and Peace,
Der Notstandsarbeiten


French Turn 17

Lick-Spittle Toadies of the Dying Regimes,

As you advance toward your well-deserved extinction, know that all Europe has welcomed our forces as their day of liberation from foul monarchy. The liberated peoples are pleased to offer us their fortunes and their daughters, but our well-disciplined troops have rejected all personal gain and fight unselfishly for the Glory of France.

What you timidly call "Terror", history will call the People's Justice. The aristocratic pigs got exactly what they deserved. Decadent monarchists, take note.

As our beloved Emperor has claimed victory in his Bulletin of the Day which is already on it's way to Paris, you must now surrender unconditionally. We will not ask ransom for the officers, as surely no one wants them back. Instead, we will execute them. But since we so highly value the Rights of Man, we are too kind to allow the rest of your men to be repatriated to what is left of their backward homeland. We will allow them to democratically choose between the noose, firing squad, or guillotine.

Igniting the Fires of Eternal Justice Throughout All Mankind,
Les Liberateurs


Allied Turn 17

Mindless French Cockroaches:

Surrender unconditionally to whom? I see no army upon this field today that has any prayer of standing against the fury of my brave men. There is but a scuttling, blue mass of forlorn despair arrayed before us. Mere bugs to be trampled under the hooves of our horses and the boots of our infantry. Unconditional surrender indeed! No, you blue coated fools, there will be no unconditional surrender on this field today as we will emerge victorious while leaving not a single, Frenchman alive to waive the white flag of surrender and pitifully plead for his miserable, worthless life.

Your thoughtful offer allowing our officers a choice in the manner in which you would kill them is most kind. Unfortunately, when this battle is concluded, you will find your ranks barren of any men with which to carry out your intent. We regret that we cannot accord you the same courtesy, as our intention is to slay your men as we meet them. The manner in which they die will be determined simply as to whether they receive a bayonet in the left or right side of their backs, as they flee en masse their impending doom.

Lay down your useless weapons, gather yourselves in tight formations in front of our guns, and we promise to dispatch you from this earth with all rapidity. This will also render you into smaller pieces that are more easily digestible for the buzzards that will feast upon your mortal remains this day.

Extinguishers of the Flame,
Die Hannoversche Wolverines

"In fact, we will ban Germans."



Sure you will.

_________________


Generalfeldmarschall Wilhelm Prinz Peters von Dennewitz

3. Husaren-Regiment, Reserve-Kavallerie, Preußischen Armee-Korps

Honarary CO of Garde-Ulanen Regiment, Garde-Grenadier Kavallerie

NWC Founding Member

For Club Games: I prefer the Single Phase mode of play. I prefer to play with the following options OFF:

MDF, VP4LC, NRO, MTD, CMR, PR, MIM, NDM, OMR (ver 4.07)

Well, there is still the one minor detail, Herr General............................the French actually have to win first.

And that ain't gonna happen.

I will be sure to write to you when we occupy Fontainebleau.

Guten Abend, Mein Herr!

There is something else I need to say here. All of the foregoing bantor is strictly for fun. It is intended to entertain and engage the officers participating in this challenge. The final score that is achieved, for one side or the other, will be logged into the record books, but it is not the ultimate measure of victory and defeat. The true measure of victory here is in the bonding that is formed between the officers in the brigade. Also in the lessons they learn to improve their play. The final score is not really important. If one side wins the game on points, but fails to establish the brotherly bond between the officers and their commander well, honestly, I would have to say that they suffered a defeat in the larger scheme of things. It is my belief that the fine,
French Capitaine Reaves will manage to establish this bond with his men. It is my duty to see that I successfully establish the same bond with mine. It is my fervent hope that everyone will emerge a winner from this challenge. That would be a fine victory indeed, and one of which I would be truly proud!

There is more yet to come, gentlemen, so please stay tuned!

And the travesty of the written word continues.......


French Turn 18

Hanoverian Chattel,

Since you have foolishly spurned our magnanimous offer of capitulation and immediate execution, we must now rid the world of Teutonic vermin with fire and sword. It is said that the Germans do not know the meaning of the word "surrender". Your ignorant race does not know the meaning of many other words as well, such as: honor, courage, literacy, decency, cleanliness, fashion, cuisine, etc., etc. The list goes on. It is our thoughtful duty to provide your education with musket, cannon, and sword.

Even now, the glorious strains of the Marseillaise can be heard over the pitiful whimpering of the Hanoverian dogs. Look to the horizon, and see your doom approaching!

Guardians of All That is Good, Holy, and Right,
Les Francais


Allied Turn 18

Inbred Imbeciles of France:

Though your countrymen’s average Intelligence Quotient lies well below fifty, you did somehow manage to blindly stumble upon a truth about us Hanoverians. To us, the word “surrender” is something we reserve for those foolish enough to face us upon the field of battle. It is a small mercy that we accord our enemies before gathering them up and marching them off to the British prison barges where they will expend their last breath, mired in swill and their own defecations.

Already more than 3,000 of your pitiful soldiers lie dead for a loss of less than a third of that of our own. What you injudiciously mistake for whimpering is in reality the low, deep throated growl of the Hanoverian wolverines that will soon eviscerate your army and bear away the Corsican fool’s head upon a pike. Your imprudent cause is lost! Bring on what you believe to be the reinforcements of your salvation. We view them a bit differently than you. To us, they are just more dead bodies to pile upon the sacrificial altar of the Empire of France. The French people started this war. The Hanoverians are about to end it! Long live the King!

The Germanic Harbingers of Your Ultimate Doom,
Die Hannoversche


French Turn 19

Befouled Hanoverian Pigs:

Since the average intelligence of the Hanoverian is somewhat less than that of pond scum, please have this read to you in the monosyllabic grunts of your native language, which is often mistaken for a horse breaking wind. If the world needed an enema, the nozzle would be placed in Hanover.

The Forces of Progress are used to being outnumbered since it is well-known that the Inferior Races breed like lice, although to call the Hanoverians an Inferior Race is a grave insult to the Inferior Races.

Even now, your puppetmasters in London are laughing up their mucous-encrusted sleeves at the willingness of their drunken rabble to sacrifice their lives to ensure the preservation of the privileged elite. After ridding the world of Teutonic stupidity, we will hang your vile masters from the nearest lamppost.

Advancing the Cause of Freedom With the Unsheathed Bayonet of Justice,
The French Avengers


Allied Turn 19

Inebriated French Fools:

An overindulgence of your wine has rendered you utterly stupid. We Hanoverians do not kill Frenchmen at the behest of the English Lords. We kill Frenchmen because we actually enjoy it. The fact that the English pay us to do so is simply an added bonus. If you could momentarily tear your minds away from the constant thoughts of your incestuous inbreeding, you would see the wide grins we bear for every Frenchman that has a head or limb skillfully removed by our masterful artillerists.

Forces of Progress indeed! The only progress you are making by facing my brave countrymen is the rapid and inexorable progress toward your own extinction. Even now the pitiful Little Corporal that has duped you all is no doubt calling for his carriage so he may flee this field before the last of you feeble minded morons falls victim to our sharpshooters. What are the deaths of thousands of mortal men to the vicious little dwarf that considers himself a god? Mindless, perfumed automations! The only thing more worthless than your deaths are the miserable lives that preceded them.

Our world does indeed need an enema, and we are diligently completing the task, one Frenchman at a time.

Reveling in our Righteous Slaughter,
Your Hanoverian Executioners


One would think that these gentlemen were avowed enemies!

Bump - For you newer members who may have missed, but still appreciate, these exchanged, verbal volleys of yesterday.

I still raise a glass to my adversary, and chuckle at his humorous retorts.

Very funny gentlemen, salute.

_________________
Field Marshal Sir Edward Blackburn, 1st Duke of Aberdeen K.G.
85th (Buck's Light Volunteers) Regiment of Foot
16th British Brigade
7th Division
III (Peninsular) Corps
2nd Battalion, Coldstream Regiment of Foot Guards