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Oktoberfest 1806 battle
By Kliff Senet aka Feldmarschall Dumas
 While preparing the next installment of the Regimental History of the Prussian / Saxon Army in 1806 war, I had been looking into the regimental archives for information, when I found two old manuscript diaries: One being the memoirs of Prince Louis Ferdinand to Général Schamhorst Left Wing Commander and forward to the Duke of Brunswick, the other manuscript was the memoirs of one General Div Duroc to Suchet to General de Brig Claperade and also Marechal Lannes commander of the V Corps. I understand that after the battle that here were two different views on the same battle but with different understanding of the same battle over a simple thing like a bottle of wine at Saalfeld (a six day battle). Or as it is know by the Prussian rank and file Napoleon turns and drinks. The best German wine at Saalfeld Inn, I will quote only short passages from the diaries, as to reproduce them in their entirety would occupy far too much time and space. So, without further ado, I give you....
After a long wait, the Prussian officers looked up at the sound of drums coming from the French lines. Then they could see the whole of the French Grande Armée move off as one: A tide of blue-and-white-coated infantry rolled towards the waiting Prussians. Only the low thunder of marching feet could be heard above the sound of the massed drums beating pas de charge. Way off in the rear of the French lines they could see ranks of cavalry wheeling as if on parade. With, swords flashing in the sun and next to them....BEARSKINS! Yes, the Guard was here, and if the Guard was here, then HE was here!
The Prussian officers looked at one another, and a chill ran down their spines.
"Do you see him?" one said to the other "No ...no, WAIT....YES! There he is, way off in the rear of the French lines. OH, NO! They have given him THREE supply wagons AND a gun battery!"
The Prussian commander gravely raised his spyglass in the direction to which his Adjutant was pointing. There, just behind the Guard he could see......the Hussar Gerard with three wagons, doing his famous riding-around-in-circles-with-a-gun-battery-in-the-middle trick.
"All is lost!" said the Adjutant, "We should retire now while we have an army left!" The Prussian commander set silent and motionless on his horse, as stunned as if he had been hit by a 12-pounder ball. No orders came from him. The Prussian army was doomed, and the others thought knew it, but the Duke knew better. Three wagons...how they could do it, giving him THREE the officers shouted.....
 After a few seconds of watching the Duke of Brunswick sit in a stupor at the sight of, his own officer’s lament, the adjutant coughed to get his commander's attention. "Sire, it’s him the most fearless fighter in the French Armee!" With an embarrassing look Duke of Brunswick turned to the dashing and good looking Prince Louis Ferdinand, who turned around to see if any others of the staff had noticed him (who how handsome I ‘am today he said to himself), the young prince slowly moved the telescope to see for himself was this fool the man that the others were talking about (rage and envy took over his mind). As the commander studied the French, his composure returned and a grin formed on his face. He turned to his Adjutant and spoke, loudly, so that the rest of the staff could hear and take heart from his words: "It is as we dared to hope! They have given that imbecile Gerard three supply wagons; Good God man, three of them! The French are attacking because they are thirsty!!!" The staff stared, awestruck, at the commander, wondering how the man could have guessed, wondering whether it was divine inspiration, or was he in league with the very Devil himself?
 Duke of Brunswick knew something that only one other knew!
Quickly the Commander bellowed out his orders, while the staff was still amazed, I want them Irish pioneers who build me them 100 catapults to move up on the line of battle “Quickly”, the others were unable to see the small flicker of joy that lingered in his eyes. "Quickly now, load the spoiled Camembert and moldy baguettes in the cannons and have the skirmishers deploy the rotten hams in front of the advancing French. Who were moving fast though the great forest that was before the Town of Saalfeld. Look the Prince yell the water barrels on the sides of the wagons were lose and when he saw one fall off the lid fell off too rival it was empty as the head on that fool Gerard." The assembled officers scattered like quail to see that the orders were carried out. Only the Commander and his young adjutant remained. The adjutant, after serving this Duke of Brunswick for many years, knew that everything was not as it appeared. "Sire, what worries you this day said the Prince to the Duke of Brunswick! You, my Prince are the only Hussar that I can trust to do this job”?
 They put Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard, who were always in front of the cavalry, and he was in front of the Hussars. (Captain Gerard is an officer in Napoleon's army recklessly brave, engagingly openhearted, and unshakable, if not a little absurd, in his devotion to the enigmatic Emperor. He speaks somewhat idiosyncratic English, having learned it from an officer of the Irish Brigade of the French Army.The Captain wonderful comic adventures, long established in the affections of Conan Doyle's admirers as second only to those of the incomparable Holmes, are sure to find new devotees among the ardent fans).
“Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard is in charge of the supply wagons, as we had hoped." The Duke, without removing his gaze from the approaching French, replied, “Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard has another trick up his sleeve! Look! Look! Our men are becoming dizzy watching that imbecile riding-around-in-a-circle-with-a-battery-in-the-middle trick. We must come up with a way to counter it, we must." Both men looked to the west, each with his own thoughts, wondering what to do about Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard.
Perhaps the Prussian deviltry was hidden by the early morning mists, or possibly their view had been hampered by the folds of the earth, but the French command could only watch in startled horror as the first salvoes of putrefied foodstuffs splattered down on their front line divisions.
"They never even saw it coming," Duke of Brunswick said to Prince Louis Ferdinand who was turning to his adjutant; bring me a company of pick men of all arms quickly!
Meanwhile in the Town of Saalfeld the Inn keeper was preparing for the worst. It was reported that the Prussian Advance Guard had halted some miles from Saalfeld and the populaces were left to defend the town on their own! It was also reported that French Hussars were around and about.
The Emperor wanted to see for himself what was going on at the Front, so he took the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard along with him to Saalfeld. While there he stop to sample the locial vin!
Meanwhile the Prussian Command lunched their secret weapons they catapulted spoiled Camembert and moldy baguettes and fired spoiled hams at the on coming French. Since French have been moving all night though dense forest with out their normal food they could not resist picking up the food that is the food that did not hit some of them, killing and injuring many…
"We knew the Prussians were without honor, but to make war in a manner such as this is unforgivable.
Colonel, deliver this message to Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard. He's over there with them dam wagons. I think it is time to call upon the services of the newest Guard regiment: le 1er Régiment de vin se debrouiller."
The Prussian army gasped in shock and disbelief as the awful sight of the French Beer Machine and ten French catapults looking as if time was turned back to the time of the Roman Emperor, was glimpsed through the early morning mist.
"It is as we feared," cried Avd Gd Commander Trutzschler, "the British have turned against us and sold the plans of this monstrosity to our enemies!" Avd Gd Commander Trutzschler snapped his telescope shut. "I wonder," he said, and his face showed the concern of a seasoned campaigner. "Even a mad ape like their King George would scarcely contemplate such a thing. I believe this to be a cheap copy of the infamous Beer Machine, reconstructed from stolen plans." He smiled, as though comforted by the thought
Deliverance.
"Enough!" snapped the general. "There is one hope. I doubt they have learned the secrets of the beer catapults. Only Prime Minister Pitt and the famous English General "Sir Noise de void of Funk" know of this. Without the beer catapults, all their hopes are as nothing!"
In the glow of dawn Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard, continued to make circles with his wagons.
Throughout the Prussian army one word was on all lips, repeated along the lines like an incantation: "Beer- Beer- for the Rhineland!" It would be a long day.....
 Général Suchet
Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard rode up to Général Suchet. "Pardon, General, I must protest at your using this infernal machine against the Prussians......poooo! What is that smell?" The words died on Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard lips as he drew level with Général Suchet. There, he saw Général Claperade removing half a moldy brown Prussian loaf from his new hat. "Damn thing nearly took my head off," the general said to Claperade looked around at some of the fallen French troops. Most of them had been cut down by Camembert and moldy baguettes. Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard felt ill. “How could they do this, have they no honour??" "It would seem not," replied Général Suchet, his face grim.
"I will bring up ....The Machine. May God have mercy on them." then abruptly came to a stop. With eyes wide with fear, the massed Prussian ranks watched as the first round was let loose from the awful machine. It sailed magically over the French troops, who cheered wildly, and landed square on the lead Prussian Battalion bags and kegs of fresh brewed beer. The Prussian C in C looked on, dread filling his heart, as the first wave of his attack wavered and then stopped. He sat waiting for the next round from the machine......and waiting......waiting......
"Look, Sire, the French are running around their machine in confusion!" The Prussian C in C looked up to see first one, and then another wheel fall off the machines. "They lack....the sprocket-dangler. Maybe we are saved! Let's see if we can beat these Frenchmen."
Belvilaqua approached General Trutzschler with trepidation. The commander would not like the news he had to deliver. "Sire, our reserves of baguettes and Camembert are gone! The local peasants raided the train and stole it all; they claim it is better than their usual fare. If that wasn't enough, the Saxon Hussars are off playing some silly sort of polo game with the spoiled hams. Sire I couldn't find anyone brave enough to take them back." A sigh escaped from the commander's lips he sat astride his horse, the Duke was pondering his next move, where are them Irish with my catapults. Once again he raised the telescope, to his eyes this time. Before any of the staff could utter a word, he spoke: "Not to worry, the Frogs are still several hours away. “There’s plenty of time to prepare!" It was then that Belvilaqua gently reached up, knowing that his years of service to General Trutzschler would spare him any harsh reprimand, and turned the telescope around so that the Duke of Brunswick was looking out the proper end.
"Catapults sprocket-dangler be hanged!" Général Suchet. “Exclaimed”.”So the plans were incomplete; still, the modifications we made should work properly, even without the sacré Dangleur de Sprockette!"
"You mean....?"
"Yes, deploy the Sausages and cabbages load the 12 pounders with them, and tell that fool Gerard to come here at once!”
“Sault, General, it is I the bravest Soldat in the Armee, Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard reporting Sire!”
“Captain I have heard that you are the bravest of the brave, I need you to take a run for me said General Suchet!”
What ever you command Sire I will lay my life down for the Empireor then said he Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard .”
“ We need potato’s and a lot of them Sir said General Suchet!”
“Po ta o’s Sire ?”
“Oui said the Generals”.
Soon enough, the air that had been so fouled by the carrion of Prussian cuisine, rent by the noxious vapors of cheap German Camembert, and putrefied by loaves that only a scientist could appreciate, changed. A sweet and tantalizingly fragrant aroma wafted slowly across the front. Shaken soldiers in the French and allied battalions regained their legs, composure and proper coloring.
What had saved the day? The le 1er Régiment de VIN se debrouiller had arrived; of course, setting up the catapult’s from which they fed barrels and kegs of German beer into. The First Battalion pulled slings back as the Second fed the catapults with barrels after barrels wrapped in sheep skins so they would not exploded once they hit the ground. The Third Battalion roll barrels after barrels of the captured German beer up to the waiting sheep skins only Herr Brewmaster Peters couldn’t match the taste of this finest of French Beer(French Beer oui the best I ever tasted), while the Fourth rapidly delivered the Beer to their own breakfast-starved men.
Post here!
And what of the Fifth you might ask? Ah yes, the brave Fifth Battalion leveled their bayonets and advanced upon the wailing Prussians. Their banners snapped to attention in the early morning breeze that carried them closer as they open a barrel so the succulent odor ran across the whole of the field.
As the Prussian Lancers ceased playing with the hams and the starved serfs began to advance, intent on carrying away the prized pork butts, the few Prussian officers that had advanced beyond elementary schooling could now discern the devastating message on the Fifth's banners: "NONE FOR YOU!"
Oberst Henderson cast a steely glance toward General Lt. Hans von Steertherightwing. The General Lt. spoke softly, "Sir, it really isn't necessary to use the telescope, as I am right here." Oberst Henderson lowered the telescope and cast another glance, more ironic than steely, at the General Lt. "Do you smell that, Sire? Can you?" bellowed the general.
"Do you know what the smell of fresh beer will do to troops raised on beer?" "Yes," replied the handsome, strapping young Oberst, darling of the fairest ladies of Berlin one of the young Sir. "I fear all is lost. The men will never stand it."
The General broke into loud, almost maniacal laughter. "It will be a cold day in our kitchens before those Frenchmen get the last drink on me. “Order up the Irish Battalions?" The staff looked around confusedly, all except for one officer with whom the rest would not willingly associate. He rode off at a mad gallop, crying "My time has come, my time has come!"
Several minutes later, two battalions of troops marched onto the field from behind the hillside where they had been hidden. The ostracized staff officer marched them up to the line and deployed them in place. He raised his sword and gave the order "Fix bayonets and pull back the Catapults!" At this point Oberst Henderson was pondering; just what is the protocol for relieving the commanding officer of all the Kaiser’s armies due to mental breakdown while in battle? And If I'm wrong, will it be exile to Russia or the firing-squad for me? What is the man thinking?
Earlier the day before this battle Prince Louis Ferdinand, and his advance Guard came upon a French supply train loaded down with the Old Guard’s vin supply and the Emperor’s private stock of 1775 Nor de Grape and por de drunk Bordeaux 1612. The Prince not knowing what to do with so many barrels of wine brought the wine back to General headquarters under the cover of darkness an each man of the advance Guard sword on their lives not to tell anyone what was in the many wagons that they captured.
While on the other side of the fence if you will, Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard”, came upon a German farm with a very large building. The Building was way to big to hold grain. It was a German brewhouse and a brewery. But acouse, you know that this over stuff peacock didn’t know what to do with it so he left the house alone and gloped to the V Corps.
When the Duke of Brunswick heard the report of Prince Louis Ferdinand, a great Idea hit him like a voice from his beloved Frederick the Great, “Catapult’s”! With the mild weather on this wet and foggy October morning he knew that the ground would be soft from the leaves and wet to soft for cannon ball bouncing and killing his troops. “Catapult’s”
Well who do we have here General Lannes asked “ I am Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard sent to be a couier between your Corps on the Left and the main Armee on the right Sire”. Ok Monsieur take this massage to my forward postions and give this letter to General Suchet”! At once, Sire I will not let this important massage fall from my safe keeping, I will guard it with my life and the lives of company if need be, for I am Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard… Ok please leave Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard said General Lannes,( he is a blow hard said the General”)!
At the French forward postion Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard gives the massage to General Suchet, WHAT THE PRUSSIANS HAS CAPTURED THE GUARD SUPPLIES, he yells those imbeciles how could they let this happen he yelled”? We are done for the Emperor will shot the Commander of the supplies guard, who was it he lookes to his second in command. “Sire it was not any of our units, I know that you imitation of a officer, it was someone in Lannes command and he wants to stick it on me, well I show him, said Suchet, take this and leave my sight who ever you are! I am Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard, who, said Suchet, the famous Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard”? ( This is the Idiot that the whole Armee been talking about who better to pin this on then him thought Suchet)! Here take this to the Emperor at once.
After much time had passed and shots ringing around the small details head they arrived at the Emperor Headquaters. Sire, I have and important massage from V Corps. Well, Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of my Household Guard, let see what happening. The letter read as Sire, we have bad news the Old Guard supplies wagons got lost and took the wrong turn in the fog and ended up behind the V Corps. The wagons were captred by the Prussians, the wagons were under the care of Gerard of the 1st Hussars of Empireors Household Guard Captain Etienne,do with this fool as you see fit. General Suchet
Well, I can see that they want to lay the bleam on my own Guard for their own supity). They most think am a fool also their Emperor, I wont have this I should shot that fool Suchet thought the Emperor) Looking at Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of his Household Guard, what am I to do with this breavist of the brave. Monsieur, we are in a grave situation here it seems like some important supplies have fallen into the enemies hands and we need the supplies to keep my Guard happy and in top fighting shape. THEIR VIN HAS BEEN TAKEN YELLED THE EMPEROR!
Sire, your brave soldat Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of your Household Guard, has the anwser, my company came by a farm and it was the German brewhouse and a brewery.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM thought the Emperor I can shot beer at them, I will get my Household Guard to do this job! Send me our spy!  David Suchet
Meanwhile Général Lannes was close to the front examining the troops, making sure that they had all seen and admired Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard, his famous riding-around-in-a-circle-with-a-gun-battery-in-the-middle, when he noticed the men starting to cry. Of course, being Général Lannes, he immediately assumed it was because the men loved him and were so very impressed by his find looks and his noble bearing, but then he noticed that his eyes, too, were tearing up and it was becoming hard to see. Suddenly, an overpowering stench arose. "Am I facing the right end of the horse?" he wondered. "Yes," a quick glance reassured him, "so what is going on?" Slowly, as his eyes continued to water, he recognized the smell. Yes, the Prussians were peeling garlic and onions. Oh! If only they had had sausage this morning, it would have been no problem; but garlic-and-onions after all that rotten food they fired at us was too much. Like oil and vinegar, the two do not mix.
Clearly the élite epicurean regiments of the two armies had reached a stalemate (or, in the case of the moldy baguettes, a beyond stalemate). The brilliant Prussian spoilt-refuse attack had been turned aside by the French infernal machine, which was in turn undone by the infamous missing-Sprocket-Dangler contretemps. The subtle French Sausages and cabbages ploy was parried (one might say, met) by the blunt Prussian garlic-and-onion assault. This brutal olfactory attack also failed to break the deadlock. A few allied battalions were struck down and seen cowering, clutching their hands over their mouths and bellies, desperately praying for the wind to change. But the majority, used to early morning breakfasts of garlic-tinged onion soup and foraged rolls, stood their ground, unperturbed. Some companies even took to singing le Chant de l'Oignon to signal their hearty imperviousness.
"Well, said David Suchet, I think perhaps a more conventional, up close and personal approach may be required. All this food stuff has gained so little as to be inconsequential. Tell the men to stop double-shooting the peasant boucles in the cannon. The time has come to unleash an even more terrible force, le Beer!"
Now we cross from the center of the battlefield to the small town of Saalfeld, and the bridge over the Saalfeld River there is an Inn that the Emperor was enjoying his morning vin and cheese.
All at once there was such a commotion over the bridge streams of Prussian Jaegers were rushing over the bridge, from who knows where they had come. Stout men all, they had been placed by their commander to defend the verminous hovels of Saalfeld, every man prepared to die horribly for the salvation of the Fatherland. Then word filtered through - just rumors at first, but men whispered the story to each other and the whispers grew to mutters, the mutters to cries of anguish: " Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard has been given THREE supply wagons!"
Bravely they clung to their positions as the French advance began. Then they heard it - the sound of wagon wheels. Scouts crept to look over the lip of the ridge and returned with the dread news: "He is making circles with his wagons once more!" No one knew that the Emperor was still drinking and eating his cheese but his personal Guard who were all also drinking and eating bread and cheese. Napoleon “said that an Armee travels on its belly”.
Their heads swam, their eyes burned like fire. Finally they could take no more. Company after company dissolved into a maddened rout and streamed back over the wooden bridge, away from the ghastly, dizzying apparition. The French swarmed forward and the way to the Prussian flank, nay the road to Berlin itself, was open!
Then, a single Prussian gun team was seen moving forward dragging what seemed to be a dusty brown overcoat. They stopped, threw it onto the bridge, and retired behind the ridge. The French troops stopped momentarily, unsure of themselves. A man appeared, if it could be called a man. This was no soldier; his ragged clothes showed him to be the lowliest of peasants. He hobbled onto the bridge and stood there alone. Reassured, the French advanced. The Saalfeld Bridge loomed closer; soon, they would be over it, the battle won!
Then the peasant drew a box from under his cloak, and began vigorously turning a small handle on its side. Was this a miniaturized version of the Machine? No, they could hear it now, and all their hearts sank as the awful sound drifted towards them. It was a barrel organ!
At the sound of the organ, the brown "overcoat" on the bridge stirred, unfolded itself and loomed upwards. A bear a Russian dancing bear. No! Surely not! But yes! The troops in blue on the approaches of the bridge could only stop and stare. It was Simon Smithovsky and his amazing Dancing Bear!!
Faster now the barrel organ played! Faster the creature danced, faster and faster. There was the sound of creaking, a groan of timber like a ship in a storm. "Faster," the music urged, "faster!" The great bear rose and fell, beating his feet in time to the music. He twirled, he pirouetted, and he jumped and thumped on the wooden trestles. The Frenchmen looked on in amazement. But their advance, slower now, yet continued. Only a few more steps and they would be onto the bridge.
The music rose to a crescendo of violence. The bear did a double-back-somersault and landed in a heap in the centre of the span. There was an appalling sound of splintering timber, the groan of tons of cracking wood. The great bridge fell, as if in slow motion, into the river below, taking its passengers with it. The bear's head disappeared beneath the churning water, and the arms of the peasant showed briefly above the waves, still turning the handle of the barrel organ, before disappearing forever into the green surging waters.
The Prussian army was saved, the Saalfeld Bridge was down!
Yet know one in the French Armee knew that the Emperor was having wine and cheese at the Saalfeld inn when the bridge came down!
Oh the horror, the gratuitous and wanton destruction of precious natural resources! The Prussian and their Allied Russia, a land renowned for its dancing bears and two-headed eagles had seen fit to destroy one of its bears.
When was the last time you saw the two-headed eagle? Hmmm? If only there had been a non-governmental organization dedicated to protecting the environment, animals, and historically-significant bridges! It matters little about the antique barrel organ (there Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard , I mentioned your 1609 music-box), but Oh! the poor bear! Czar Alexander's alleged concern for the environment is a farce if he sanctions such actions as this. Simply unforgivable, a tragedy.
The famous Dancing Bear Memorial Statue at Saalfeld Bridge
Story from the Paris Free Press:
It was announced today that the French Navy has sunk the Paix Verte (Green Peace) barque, Two-Headed Eagle, in the port of Brest. The Green Peace barque was there to protest the effect on the local fish of the noise from French ships-of-the-line practicing salvo-firing. It is unlikely that this organization will ever be seen again in Brest.
Brest, France:
An investigatory committee acting under the auspices of the office of Public Safety has released the following statement regarding the recent sinking of the barque, Two-Headed Eagle. The ship, part of the newly created Paix Verte (Green Peace) organization, dedicated to the protection of nature in foreign countries and exposing the Tsar as a closet industrialist, was sunk yesterday. The committee's investigators and Paix Verte officers have concluded, based on the damage and eyewitness accounts, that the ship was a victim of none other than a Russian Borscht Bomb!
General Trutzschler of the Prussian Advance Guard was sure of a victory now one part of the French Armee was on one side and the main part was on the other and between the two was Prince Louis Ferdinand munching on cold slices of two-headed eagle from last night's supper, smiled as they watch the Saalfeld Bridge slip beneath the water. Slowly they cast their gaze back toward the French, wondering what could be next up Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard sleeve, (besides a lacy handkerchief and a few extra playing cards, that is).
Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard , pausing to check the ostrich feather in his spare hat, turned to Gen. Suchet, "Well?"
"Well what?" the general said impatiently, as he watched the two milling armies dawdle away the morning.
"What's next?"
" Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard asked, I don't know. Wake me after lunch, I need a break. Until then, you can command the whole army." WHAT moi Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard can lead the V Corps Advance Guard to victory oui it is already done Mon General !
Oberst Henderson , nervously pacing back and forth, could stand the suspense no longer and strode determinedly up to General Trutzschler, sitting astride his horse munching on an apple (i.e. Oberst Henderson munched the apple, the horse munched grass: No animal-coddling in this man's Imperial Prussian Army,!).
"Sire, shouldn't we do something! Order a charge, a retreat, general attack, something!!!"
"Relax, Oberst Henderson, the day is still young. Besides, Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard has those three wagons and a battery and the pressure must be starting to tell. Look, he's not even riding in a neat circle anymore. The time will come to do something."
With that, Oberst Henderson resumes his pacing.
Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard, looked at the back of the Guard Commander receding into the distance, en route to his mid-morning nap. A gleeful smile spread over his mustachioed face, and he cleared his throat importantly:
"Well men, I am now in charge." The AdCs around him rolled their eyes toward the heavens.
"Right! I want the Hessians to attack all along their front, now, V Corps as well. And throw that lot over there in as well." The Guard AdC looked around in astonishment to see that Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard was pointing directly at the Imperial Guard.
" Errr, Sire.....Sire.....SIRE. Do you mean the Guard???"
"Why yes, of course!" said Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard. "Can't have them sitting around picking their noses and combing their mustaches when there's a battle to be won. Right, where was I again...oh, yes. Tell my Corps to attack as well....oh buggers it, tells the whole army; last one in Berlin buys the drinks. That will get them going." The AdCs mounted their horses to distribute the new orders.
" WAIT, come back. Hang on a mo....I have just developed a cunning plan."
Just then a rider hurried into the porte cochère of Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard small 45-room tent and handed him a message from the front.
The Emperor was on his way to redirect the whole mess, and he was not too late once he got there. What, WHAT are you doing Monsieur are you crazy the bridge is down Berlin is over there!!!! Said Napoleon
"What did you say? You stuff turkey Berlin is over the bridge! The spy reported back with news that the Prussian were calling up their ferline Brig, what the emperor demanded, what are you saying the Ferline Brig the blondes of the blondes the most buxom of all womanhood the full figured big bosom Ferline Brig! All is lost my young recruits will see them and go mad with lust said Bonaparte”!
They are calling up the Berlin Ferline Brig plus the Moscow Mother-in-Law Battalion?" Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard pondered the situation: "Sire should I awake Général Lannes now, or wait to see where they put the Devils in long dresses, babushkas, and sensible shoes (suitable for kicking sons-in-law butts)?? I'll wait awhile longer." Bonaparte turned to his worried AdCs and spoke in his coolest nonchalant voice: "It's nothing, men, Général Lannes and I have seen worse." He turned away, hoping that the men were calmer than he felt inside....
“Oberst Henderson, stop that infernal pacing!" General Lt Henderson fumed, "I have been in battle with you before and you have not acted like this." "Well sir, it's my mother-in-law. She is insisting we visit, and my wife promised her that I would help win a great victory and earn a promotion along with it. And it is Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard plus The Emperor out there; next thing you know he will combine that riding in circles thing with waving a flag and beating a drum, and I don't know if we can handle it. I would rather face a regiment of Cuirassiers, only armed with a hat pin, than face my mother-in-law if we suffer defeat."
"I see your point, Oberst,” proffered the General. Where’s Oberst Rat?
Both men now began to pace.
And over in the French camp.......
General Suchet wrote a cheerful letter to his daughter, while enjoying his morning coffee. Meanwhile, Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard had added a fourth wagon to the armada, one bedecked with multicolored pennons that snapped tautly in the breeze. Woe to the Prussians and their Russian allies!
"Here is the solution to your problem, Oberst Henderson," spoke the General. "Here is a hat I took off a Turk several years ago. Send it to your Mother-in-Law and tell her it is a Bearskin off a French Guardsman. She won't know the difference!"
Oberst Henderson sighed with relief and once again marveled at the wisdom of the great General. Then, with a determined look upon his face, he turned and again counted the wagons in Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard formation.
The aide turned to Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard, glass in hand: "Mon Général, Sir, look over there. Isn't that the hat your step dad got you at Aboukir?"
That is all for now, gentlemen. We will close this episode with Général Suchet enjoying a refreshing nap, Captain Etienne Gerard of the 1st Hussars of L’ Emperor’s Household Guard doing a slow boil as the Prussians trifle with one of his prize hats, and the two Prussian leaders wondering how best to employ the potent, but dangerously volatile blondes of the blondes the most buxom of all womanhood the full figured big bosom Ferline Brig and their Allies the Moscow Mother-in-Law Battalion....More from The Memoirs of Two AdCs in the next installment ta ta
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Gérard will bring them back Ve'l France
The Prussian Blonde Brig reassembles after getting some fresh air
"Looks like to me on all fours" 
