Colonial Campaigns Club (CCC)

A few thoughts to inspire those of you either in the French Army or thinking about joining it.

Subject: French Military History in a Nutshell
Currently making the rounds in the military community: The Complete Military
History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage


And you dare make fun of our fat German King[:p]

Does this mean that since I'll be taking over as the new French CiC that we'll never lose? [:D]

<blockquote id="quote"><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by bjzuels</i>
<br />A few thoughts to inspire those of you either in the French Army or thinking about joining it.

Subject: French Military History in a Nutshell
Currently making the rounds in the military community: The Complete Military
History of France

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">

Actually Brett, you have two rules in your favor:

<blockquote id="quote"><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by bjzuels</i>
<br />
The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">

So I say the early prediction should be clear French domination for the near future. Your original regiment was the Deux-Ponts/Zwei-Bruecken, made of Germans, and the largest portion of the anti-British forces will remain the Americans.

<blockquote id="quote"><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">
And you dare make fun of our fat German King[:p]
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">

Fat and insane, and an inbred German (not that all Germans are) to boot, but you asked.[:p]

Col. Cox
NJ Militia

Brett,

Glad to see the commander of Schulte's Legion has moved up to bigger and better things. hehehe...

Monsieur Bjzuels,

As an American of French descent (truly the best of both worlds) my response to your pile of drivel is two-fold:

1. I dare you to meet me on the field of honor.
2. Bite me.

(not necesssarily in that order <g>)

Oh and as for that Italian chappy during the Gallic Wars? The bloody Brits did any better? I seem to recall him kicking their arses back to the Outer Hebrides until he realized that there wasn't anything on that miserable island worth keeping. It took a Frenchman (Willie the Limey Ass kicker) to whip that bunch of Anglo/Saxon scum into shape.

Ensigne Philippe'Chevalier de Roubaud
Regimente de Gatenois
1er Brigade
L'Armee de Terre de Royale

<blockquote id="quote"><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by Philbert</i>
It took a Frenchman (Willie the Limey Ass kicker) to whip that bunch of Anglo/Saxon scum into shape.
Ensigne Philippe'Chevalier de Roubaud
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
Bravo, Philippe, that's telling 'em! [:D]
Allowing for the fact that Guillaume le Conquérant was the descendant of Vikings (his great-great-great grandfather being Rollo Ragnvaldsson of Norway, created 1st Duke of Normandy), this bastard son of a tanner's daughter and Robert "The Devil" [}:)], and his Norman followers, certainly gave what-for to the Anglo-Saxons. Whatever is <i>grand</i> and <i>noble</i> in the islands and the language was introduced by the Norman French. I have always enjoyed the fact that the words for meats derive from the French spoken by the meat-eating Norman rulers (beef/<i>boeuf</i>, pork/<i>porc</i>, mutton/<i>mouton</i>), while the names of animals are those given by the Anglo-Saxon herdsmen and churls: cow, swine, sheep. [^]

America's Wars:
1. War of Independence - lost - we still have taxes.
2. War of 1812 - lost - we didnt take Canada and at one point lost our capital - as well as the city where our government was located!! (money pun).
3. Texas Rebellion - doesnt count - the Texans won that one.
4. Mexican-American War - we lost that one too - lost too many men due to fever and sickness too! (medical pun - gold fever broke out soon after the war). We gained the town of Tombstone I think and we PAID for it to make us feel better when all was said and done.
5. Civil War - lost that one too. Right?
6. Spanish-American War - the country lost that one - Hearst and the newspapers won it. Just ask them sometime! We gained the Phillipines and then lost them but took them back. Then lost them ... hmm, maybe we should have let the Spanish keep those islands? Considering the men lost in the little known guerilla wars ... oh yes, we stopped the Muslims in that one by telling them that we would wrap their dead bodies in pig skins. This was an early version of American football (sound of cymbals).
7. World War I - we lost too many good men fighting for France. Certainly France wouldnt have lost that many men fighting for us back in 1780!
8. Banana Wars - we lost those. Many men lost in unsung actions preserving our business interests. Go Dole and Chiquita!
9. World War II - we won that one - just dont ask the Soviets! The Good War (Turkel) was the last war fought for anything significant in life. We lost the Arizona on purpose to cause a war. It didnt matter to some folks that they were lost until they were lost. Does that make sense? Score one for Rosevelt for foresight...
10. Korea - an overaged group of battalian commanders try to lead a group of ill-equipped soldiers in the Korean peninsula. The Marines won this war. Just ask them! My dad also won the war - he fought mosquitos in Key West Fl. Knocked down over 5 of them making him an ace. He also travelled to Cuba - this was allowed for civilians but not for military folks. Tells you how much Navy seaman obeyed their commanders! Go dad go.
11. Vietnam - next....
12. Kuwait Independence - British Petroleum won that one. The American tax payers lost - noone adhered to Schwartzkopf and thus we have to take the head village idiot out when it should have been done in 1991. When was the last time that you heard Jr. say that Sr. should have taken Suddam out? Never. The Republicans (I are one) need to own up to this. When we went with the UN we lost the war. Now that are going to go against the UN we will probably win! Or will we?

Oh, I forgot Afghanistan ... still fighting that one. In progress and hopefully we get our elite soldiers home soon. No Bin Laden but plenty of prisoners for that naval base on the East Coast of Cuba!

I love my country very much - I dont like entangling alliances. What are we trying to do with NATO anyway? If the Turks get attacked can anything bad come of it? Just ask the Armenians right? I mean when was the last time that the US stood up for poor Armenia?

Many fine and proud soldiers and civilians have died in our wars. And where are they now? Lying in hallowed soil. For who? The business interests.

Note: I served in the US Air Force. I did not graduate from Berkeley!

Me thinks Bill has been nippin' at the AVGAS again.

Al - let me know when you get an email address again. I have something for you to read for Napoleonics.

Gentlemen you have got this all wrong as in this fine Club glory is not just awarded for Victory. It is the quantity of battles fought that gives the best results. And the French Bless there little frogy harts Have made gallant efforts to make war against as many of there neighbors as they they could . But English Naval power Has allays cramped there style. But it is in field of the Futile last stand that they really let them selves down Where the British or Germans or even your Colonials jump at the chance to make a futile last stand against impossible odds the French tend to go with the old "Discretion is the better part of valor". And it is no Doubtful wether the use of the Foreign Legion to fill this gap really helps their Score .Yes they fight to the death in fine style whether in the deserts of North Africa , Mexico or Dein Bien Phu Where it was said that "The French fought to the last German" . But are they French ? well a lot are. And then the Old Guard made a brave stand in the end of the day at Waterloo but it was a rear guard action and not truly futile. And of coarse it was not on their best day.

But if we are adding results don't lets forget the seven year's war or the French Mexican war.

My formula for military glory is

1, Fight a lot of wars (every country in the world one at some time England or just most of the world at the same time Germany )

2, Spend some time on the losing side preferably at the start.

3, Spend some time on the wining side preferably at the end.

4, Don't let the fact that you have lost put you off.( the enemy may get confused and stop fighting )

5, If you are not German or Japanese Try to have some Bloodthirsty barbarians in your army (Scots are good )

6, Write the history Books

I see that several days later, this Germanic oaf has failed to respond to a challenge. Ahh, well typical of that race of lazy slug-a beds. Coward! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of eldeberrys! No wonder Fat George III is losing the war, allied to this pack of useless and cowardly jackals...

<blockquote id="quote"><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Black Hearted Phil <hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">

I knew it! I should have never said anything.[:D]

<blockquote id="quote"><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by Phil Natta</i>
<br />I've been called worse. [:D] But that was a fantastic and fun game Jon, er, Hashuk Malli! I barely escaped with my wig, (said in my best Monty Python old lady voice) [;)]
Phil
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
and fighting my Choctaw brothers brings me into this. Your wig would look good hanging from a pole in my village of Hoithlewaule. You will soon be known as no-hearted Phil......(insert evil laughter here)...(and again)

Sir,

I am in no way a coward. The original post was meant in jest, not as an insult. Sorry to have offended you. I currently have a full plate with my games here and in other clubs, but will make room to defend the honor of my "fat king". Send me a list of scenarios acceptable to you and I will select one.


<blockquote id="quote"><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by Philbert</i>
<br />I see that several days later, this Germanic oaf has failed to respond to a challenge. Ahh, well typical of that race of lazy slug-a beds. Coward! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of eldeberrys! No wonder Fat George III is losing the war, allied to this pack of useless and cowardly jackals...


<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">

Ach, all ye Johnnie Crapauds and Froggies should stand up and be proud of twa of the greatest warriors of the ancient world, as fine a pair of brawlers as e'er hefted steel. Who are they? For shame on ye all, to no' mention the storied Gauls, celebrated in (comic) books, Asterix and Obelix. I'd have 'em in me regiment this minute, if they werenae daid.